Duck! The Carbine High Massacre

or TOO SOON: The Movie 

The first and therefore BEST of the Columbine based movies is Duck! The Columbine parody. Produced only months after the shooting and released exactly one year after the shootings occurred.

Critics can proclaim the divinity of Zero Day, Elephant and Bang Bang, You’re Dead due to the srs bsns and exposé of THE HORROR. Whereas in Duck! The shooters are our protagonists, named Derick and Derwin and we see it from their righteous perspective and the lulz they did it for. While reframing from hamming it up, by replicating the dark nature of their teenage souls [insert: Heavy Metal and Videogames]

SERIOUS MODE: It’s the childish finger pointing at the two examples above that has created this smartass and (what appears to be) desensitised generation. You take our childhood fun and tell us it’s evil. This is why we refer to mass murder as ‘high scores’ and don’t cry over tragedy, you’ll do it for us anyway.

It’s in this attitude the film was made. Pointing their own middle fingers at the shitstorm of moral panic they knew this would create, even though someone would inevitably profit from it anyway.

“We realise that some people may find it offensive, obscene, sacrilegious and thouroughly disgusting. However it was bound to become a motion picture eventually, or even worse, a “made for tv” movie (lol Zero Day). So we decided to do it first. God Bless America.” –Producers of Duck! [Intro Statement]

People did find it offensive.

Whilst they couldn’t be arrested for 'bad taste' as you would imagine it caused enough of a public stir that they searched until they found something to arrest the two filmmakers for. Which happened to be that they brought guns onto school property as props for their film.

To be honest, if it hadn’t been made with Windows Movie Maker and had been approved by the MPAA it would have been critically acclaimed for its strong and daring context. Of course, I then cannot take it seriously and see it as a corporation’s masturbation over tragedy (remember if it has a touching musical score it’s definitely for 'awareness').

Won’t someone think of the children?


The film is surprisingly witty at times, as:

•  Derwin's father becomes violent after listening to his son's metal music.
•  A black kid who dons a 'I Hate White People' shirt is offended at Derick reading Mein Kampf. 
• The boy's gun supplier's treats them to go-go dancers (and a 12 year old's virginity *optional*)  while reciting his firearm informercial.
• Derick's mother is too drunk while his dad is too busy hammering cats to death to acknowledge their son's suicide plea.
• The principle using a student as a body shield during the shooting.
• The entire plot to shoot up the school revolves around a mysterious janitor figure.

I see this film as almost a historical document, not in it's resembling realism, but of the cultural paradigm shift Columbine caused. 


This film is not the return and justification of moral extremism. This was the view of some audacious young adults (William Hellfire and Joey Smack and one's pornstar girlfriend Misty Mundae) who probably would have shared similarities with Eric and Dylan. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, the kids whom watch this crap complain that the film is not exploitative enough and thus pathetically juvenile... God bless America indeed.

An Intro to Mondo

Mondo could be defined as an exploitation documentary – comprised of shock footage. Often referred to, more annoyingly as, a “shockumentary”. Beginning with Mondo Cane in 62’ and made famous by Faces of Death in 78’.

Honestly, this is a weak genre for more seasoned fans of gore. So I’ve chosen 2 for now, to introduce and represent the significance of mondo.

Faces of Gore (1999)

One of the most recent, extreme and memorable addition to the genre is this twisted collection of brain slushies. Seperating itself from your run-of-the-mill “.... of death” film’s, is the draw of a deadpan, cheesy delivery and unapologetic disrespect for the dead.

We open to our host, Vincent Van Gore (from the Institute of Gornology) walk through a cemetery while the X-Files theme plays.

 We are then graced with 90 or so minutes of ambulance cleanup footage – said to be from Japan - but obviously isn’t (more likely bought from a shady felon from Thailand). Despite some speculation, the majority of deaths shown are legitimate and are all the more hilarious for it.

Early footage features a motorcycle rider who has hit a steel pole head first and is now lodged between the pole and the iron-mesh fence behind it (Cue slurping noises). Our Narrator enlightens us:

“[Mr Ito] a fellow motorcycle enthusiast lost control of his vehicle then discovered his head had been mysteriously wrapped around a metal fence-post... Mr Ito’s head proved so stubborn to dislodge itself from its final resting place, that a crowbar had to be used to pry it loose. You will note, that in this case, Mr. Ito’s helmet to be of little protection. Still, one can only shudder to think what would have become of him, if he hadn’t been wearing that helmet.”

Hour and half of this, I'm a need a fap.

Oh yes, it’s that bad. But wait, there’s more! After a teenage suicide; said to be over school grades:


“ If only the students in America were this conscientious about maintaining their grade-point averages, we'd have an epidemic of mass suicides on our hands!” 


One body is that of a pregnant woman. At this point the Dr Van Gore starts a tirade about unmarried mothers being worthless and useless to society and we are better off that this happened to her.


“The heat was so intense as to have made a hole in her stomach, revealing the embryonic foetus inside. This is probably one of the most popular and best of our faces of gore. This way we get two for the price of one.”
Inbetween, there are necrophilia jokes aimed at the ambulance aids, menstruation, a poorly faked interview with an assassin and perhaps the most insincere of all, the body of a young woman whom has hung herself is being inspected:


  “No crime scene investigation would be complete without looking at the dead girls breasts. And since she doesn't seem to complain, our lead investigator shall proceed".
*one of the crime scene guys cuts of the girls skirt and we see her breasts*



"Ah, and here we have the vital information we needed. The victim died wearing a breast cup size 34 C”
Too soon? If Faces of Gore were ever caught in the hands of a minor there would be social outcry and moral panic guaranteed. 
Faces of Gore however is tedious and redundant for the most part – only noticeable for it’s truly sick content. A head first dive into that metal pole (whoops) known as Mondo.

   Memory of the Camps (1983)

After the sweeping success of The Eternal Jew (1940), German documenters felt a passion, one resulting perhaps the largest stage production to date.

 ‘The Holocaust’ became a national hit screening from Auschwitz to Dachau. Budgeted with all the Jew gold they could harvest, inventing the faux-snuff torture porn genre and remaining realistic even to this day. Western audiences mistook it as real footage and exaggerated its cast significantly to overstate their argument.

Alright, holocaust denial isn’t funny... but 6’000’000 dead Kikes ar- -ENOUGH!

Actually, even to those who believe in holocaust denial, Memory of the Camps describes roughly 30’000 dead at each concentration/death camp, times by approx 20 camps across Europe = 600’000. That’s one less digit.

Memory of the Camps, showcases some of the roughest concentration camp footage around and compiles them  into a documentary released in  83’. The footage is that of what the military saw on arrival of these death camps. The sights, obviously, are pretty horrific: The body pits, hordes of people malnourished, children’s corpses being dragged and thrown around. Ugly stuff. And while probably considered more historical then mondo sensationalism, it’s not exactly eye-candy either, close-ups and landscape shots of endless bodies is more disgusting and shocking then your usual history programming.

Watch it here: http://www.archive.org/details/MemoryOfTheCamps

Whee! My brain shows!

"Applicant for Death"

As a conoisseur of fine guro manga, I feel it is appropriate to start off with the light hearted style of one of my favourite artists: Juan Gotoh (後藤寿庵). While Gotoh has written only two guro comics (to my knowledge), it is his particular style which gives these a special effect. Gotoh is a professional loli/shotacon artist, with both included in these pieces, and, just like his manga, they use light humour with a touch of love to take the edge off what may have been a morbid situation (such as gradutation).

How embarrassing indeed.

Applicant for Death is a collection of three stories about people whose ultimate sexual fantasy is to die. Each is death is represented in a way which makes it appear as an overwhelming orgasm; much like the second manga, the guro-comedy: Graduation and Beheading Ceremony. While this piece is more serious than GBC, it employs typical hentai dialogue combined with necrophilia (see above). 

And yet I cant pull my eyes away!

"Graduation and Beheading Ceremony" is by far my favourite of the two, as it is a perfect example of Gotoh's deep knowledge and experiences of hentai manga culture. The pure art of the piece is enough in itself, but the dialogue is, for people who dont mind laughing and fapping at the same time, hilarious. It is obvious that Gotoh is truly a master of smut.

"Graduation and Beheading Ceremony"

MediaFire:

Applicant for Death

Graduation and Beheading Ceremony

THE TAINT (2010)

In school, did you ever have friends that spent their time drawing detailed penis’ in their workbook? And whether it was the complete disregard for education or their own personal dignity - you found it funny. Well, if you gave those people a video camera and a handful of cash, you’d get, The Taint.

Is this a masterpiece? Short answer,  yes. If you don’t like penises however... It’s still yes, but it may be a huge violation to your senses. The rest of us can sit back and enjoy and enjoy being violated.

 It’s sick, it’s gross, there are penises and apparently it’s “misogynistic” (pretty big word for a woman.)  

The title, by some near miss is not referring to the space between the balls and bum, but rather a foreign chemical dumped into the water supply (more twists to cum.) This taint has created a utopian future where every man’s johnson is equal and on public display with the natural hatred of women now throbbing and enraged.

Said Epic Logo: Cosmic as fuck

Albino Fast Food Elvis Phil O' Ginny

We open with most epic production logo ever, then 2 pairs of tits, a vaginal POV shot, a bloodied cock... then we meet our protagonist, Cory Worthington Phil O’ Ginny (It’s Irish) being attacked by an incontinent hillbilly. [Cue 80’s synth credits sequence, Oh, I love it.]

From there, Phil meets Cassandra a woman recently widowed after popping her husband’s head like a paper bag, she’s rather hardcore.

Meanwhile, Phil is being attacked by his school gym teacher and his homo-erotic Yakusa squad - who worship the gym teachers fist , yep.

The film from there is mainly a series of flashbacks, misadventures, back-story and fire hydrant ejaculating  cocks (Note: half the budget was probably used on milk). I don’t want to spoil everything – just enough to arouse interest. A word of warning you may want a accepting stomach to swallow this load with ease.

 

Vigilante Double Feature Review

Of mainstream sources it would appear to get a decent action film, I’d advise to scourge deeper into more exploitive tastes. A rise in ultra-violent vigilante justice genre has peeked recently: here are the latest two that stood out as the style and substance.

 “Jerk on this, you child-molesting shit-licker!”

Hobo With A Shotgun (2011):

Originally a fake trailer for the Grindhouse phenomena. This one I feel is potentially the best of them all.  Combining an urban setting, anarchist theme to a pseudo-future of gang warfare - Class Of 84’, Combat Shock and Escape From L.A. spring to mind. 


While I liked all the Grindhouse films albeit Machete which worked better as a trailer. I can mention a couple of things I didn’t like from each. Hobo With A Shotgun didn’t miss a beat with me and worked the best as an actual stand-alone movie and has created a strong reputation in underground crowds completely separating itself from Grindhouse and became a league of its own. It wasn’t as well critical received as the others however, for what reason I can only assume is because this film is right proper trashy at times however the level of bad taste is brilliant for people who understand shit about things.

Rutger Hauer (The Hobo) must be one of the most badass grandpa’s this side of Gran Torino, nothing cleans the streets better than that old school ass-kicking. His main rivals are the “Princes of Fuck Town” the mafia bosses son’s, they enjoy hooker stomping, test your strength hammers (and human piñatas), flaming school buses and “skate rape.”It would be a shame to not to mention, The Plague. The cyberpunk evil twin brothers of Daft Punk. Who with only a small amount of screen time (due to the effortlessness in which they kill), deserve a spin-off themselves.

Hobo With A Shotgun is the style of this double feature and easily the video nasty of the two. For a taste check out ‘Treevenge’ one of the director,  Jason Eisener's earlier works.

Super (2010):

James Gunn’s aptly named Super at first appears to be a Kick-Ass knock-off; a B-mimic of a half-decent parody. Luckily the film was is surprisingly good and all prior suspicions were resolved, in fact it’s probably better than Kick-Ass (less teenager-y bullshit.) If Batman Begins was considered a realistic portrayal of superheroes - meet The Crimson Bolt.

Frank is a docile, innocent - somewhat socially inept – man child. His life involves his ex-addict wife, his co-workers and his fleeting attempts to remember his good times. Cliché? I guess, but it makes up for it in being relatively and strangely accurate look at humanity. Liv Tyler plays Franks wife, and while many would consider her to be out of his league, she comes from a bad past and sees him as perhaps the only non-dangerous man she has ever met. However, Frank’s wife now depressed living with boring Frank for so many years has left him for a local drug lord (Kevin Bacon). Through a flashback we see Frank’s wife profess that only he “can save her from addiction.” Such begins The Crimson Bolt.

A superhero who resembles Burnt Face Man, with lines such as “Shut Up, Crime!” Which gives it that indie cred filmmaking the critics love. Of course the news becomes involved and Frank starts using The Crimson Bolt for his own personal power control – a skull is cracked open over a cutter in the cinema line. See this, human nature stuff coming out, yeah?

Starstruck comic-book girl (Ellen Page) demands to join him, as the sidekick, Boltie. I would say her part in the film isn’t completely necessary if it weren’t for a scene in which Boltie’s failed seduction of Frank, leads to her raping him, at this point I felt a review is necessary.

The climax is bloody (hilarious that is) when we see the extent of what violence is out-side the comic book realm, quite... violent. This also fits into the ‘anarchy is freedom idolisation’ films like: Dear Wendy or Bellflower, shot independant style until eruptions of ‘full-life concequence’ leads to violence. It’s here the effect of Super got it a higher content rating than Kick-Ass, which is unfair, but the makers may like it that way. It’ll gain a good fanbase of people who seeked it out, not of teenagers who went to the cinemas looking for bullets, blood and boobs.

I’m finding the works of James Gunn more and more interesting. See the internet series PG-Porn(2008). It's also nice seeing Rainn Wilson in more quality ventures than Dwight (The Office), see Hesher (2010). Ellen Page returning to her darkest role since Hard Candy (2005). While comedic and very fun it is simultaneously dark, creating what could have been very dumb into something much more complex - this is the substance. 


In conclusion, I feared the death of action films had forever succumb to mind-numbing CGI, luckily some vigilante filmmakers can still fuel my need for gratuitous violence with smooth visuals and if possible, an inspired storyline. Fight the power, boys.

I don’t know what’s left of me, but you can fuck it if you want.

The Vomit Gore Trilogy

              This triptych of bodily fluids was created by the subtly named, Lucifer Valentine in 2006 – 2010.

Featuring the delightfully puerile titles, in order:

 Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, ReGOREgitated Sacrifice and Slow Torture Puke Chamber.

The films are designed as if they are nightmarish fragments from a girl's life, named: Angela Aberdeen’s descent into hell; Bosch-esque tapestries aside I just came for the patented ‘vomit gore’ trend-setting. Not that I see this film as purely fetishistic porn, obviously gender politics come into play here. If it were men vomiting and pissing on themselves it then becomes a comedy franchise in the vein of Jackass.

Oh, Hank's up to another one of his squid-brained schemes again!

What separates it from said franchise is that this is quite unsettling. There is much more to it then what many people brush it off as. For example the puking is legitimate puking - now that’s dedication from the actors and actresses! There is a strong loyalty in these films to make something unique - a portrait of pain. This indeed is a sadist’s wet dream; as notice I said: “not purely fetishistic” - because it still most definitely is.  Valentine himself gets his jollies off to vomit. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I guess?

The film seems as if it’s trying to work in both a haunting tale and porn at the same time, what you get is a sloppy puddle of an avant-garde experiment. So kids, if you’re looking for something different...

If nothing else, you can’t accuse the trilogy of being misleading – you get what it says on the tin. There are some great monologues and some amazing gore effects, then cut to, some whores sexing and dry-reaching.

Admittedly, I doubt the film's effect would remain if watched on mute, it’s the desperation in the girl’s voices, the heaving sound of puke, which makes it rather stomach churning. The tagline might have well been: “Made with REAL pain!”

Some of the set-pieces include: Vomiting (Spoiler Alert); a tarantula stitched inside a vagoo; Anton Lavey’s daughter having blood pissed on her and a homage to Mai Chan’s Daily Life featuring a baby, a penis, a blender and a puke machine named Hank Skinny. (It’s awww-right!) ;)

Hank soaking in a refreshing baby shower

This is a film that crosses the social limits of decency, and is not for everyone.  This is a nauseating delirium of loving- crafted mindrapery. Many (most) tend to see it as pretentious, my assumption is people underestimate the ‘experimental’ factor and were just hyped about the gore (sabotaged by its own selling point). It’s not the film’s fault you can’t appreciate something new, go back to Saw 7, lightweights.

Alternative Recommendations: ???
Mai Chan’s Daily Life: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Manga/MaiChansDailyLife 

"America isn't ready to accept a gay, mexican, sandwich."

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Ah, good ol’ reliable Troma. Supplying the finest in exploitative trash since 1974.

Being a purely independant low-budget company, they cut to the chase and give people what they want to see: limitless sex, sadism, racism, mutations and signature penis monsters. Oh, and how they deliver!

They’re a staple of western cinema with a well-deserved cult following. They helped Billy Bob Thorton (Chopper Chicks In Zombietown), Samuel L Jackson (Def by Tempation) and Trey Parker and Matt Stone in their first film ‘Cannibal! The Musical’. Along with creating some classics of their own: ‘The Toxic Avenger’, ‘Class of Nuke’em High’, ‘Combat Shock’ and ‘Tromeo & Juliet’.

Their most recent classic, 'Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead', was even slightly critically applauded and considered one of the more successful Troma releases.

Undeniably creative, this leviathan of pure ...uh, brilliance, shat on anything to stew out of Hollywood the last few years. Such gratitous sleaze yet so fresh and inspired it becomes merely light-hearted fun as you feel the  joyous soul playing right out on the screen.

The story follows Arbie who enlists at American Chicken Bunker, as a statement to his ex-girlfriend Wendy, who has dumped him for a left-wing feminist lesbian, who along with others are protesting American Chicken Bunker’s demolition of an indian burial ground.

Needless to say, the chicken becomes cursed, and we are then blessed to some of the most perverse, childish, bloody and toilet based slapstick put to film; along with some offensive satire for good measure - Allowing some great quotes too.

Yet, as lowest common denominater it seems I can’t see Poultrygeist appealing to neanderthal ignoramuses - who would sooner see the latest Epic Movie style nonsense. The film has an art to it, an art difficult to describe; but what I can say is they simply dont make movies like this anymore.

Considered one of Troma’s best, even pulling Troma out of bankruptcy, there is no doubt im my 

mind this is one of the best independant films ever made.

Alternative Reccomendations: Black Sheep (2006) and Braindead aka Dead Alive (1992). Highly recommend both.