Duck! The Carbine High Massacre

or TOO SOON: The Movie 

The first and therefore BEST of the Columbine based movies is Duck! The Columbine parody. Produced only months after the shooting and released exactly one year after the shootings occurred.

Critics can proclaim the divinity of Zero Day, Elephant and Bang Bang, You’re Dead due to the srs bsns and exposé of THE HORROR. Whereas in Duck! The shooters are our protagonists, named Derick and Derwin and we see it from their righteous perspective and the lulz they did it for. While reframing from hamming it up, by replicating the dark nature of their teenage souls [insert: Heavy Metal and Videogames]

SERIOUS MODE: It’s the childish finger pointing at the two examples above that has created this smartass and (what appears to be) desensitised generation. You take our childhood fun and tell us it’s evil. This is why we refer to mass murder as ‘high scores’ and don’t cry over tragedy, you’ll do it for us anyway.

It’s in this attitude the film was made. Pointing their own middle fingers at the shitstorm of moral panic they knew this would create, even though someone would inevitably profit from it anyway.

“We realise that some people may find it offensive, obscene, sacrilegious and thouroughly disgusting. However it was bound to become a motion picture eventually, or even worse, a “made for tv” movie (lol Zero Day). So we decided to do it first. God Bless America.” –Producers of Duck! [Intro Statement]

People did find it offensive.

Whilst they couldn’t be arrested for 'bad taste' as you would imagine it caused enough of a public stir that they searched until they found something to arrest the two filmmakers for. Which happened to be that they brought guns onto school property as props for their film.

To be honest, if it hadn’t been made with Windows Movie Maker and had been approved by the MPAA it would have been critically acclaimed for its strong and daring context. Of course, I then cannot take it seriously and see it as a corporation’s masturbation over tragedy (remember if it has a touching musical score it’s definitely for 'awareness').

Won’t someone think of the children?


The film is surprisingly witty at times, as:

•  Derwin's father becomes violent after listening to his son's metal music.
•  A black kid who dons a 'I Hate White People' shirt is offended at Derick reading Mein Kampf. 
• The boy's gun supplier's treats them to go-go dancers (and a 12 year old's virginity *optional*)  while reciting his firearm informercial.
• Derick's mother is too drunk while his dad is too busy hammering cats to death to acknowledge their son's suicide plea.
• The principle using a student as a body shield during the shooting.
• The entire plot to shoot up the school revolves around a mysterious janitor figure.

I see this film as almost a historical document, not in it's resembling realism, but of the cultural paradigm shift Columbine caused. 


This film is not the return and justification of moral extremism. This was the view of some audacious young adults (William Hellfire and Joey Smack and one's pornstar girlfriend Misty Mundae) who probably would have shared similarities with Eric and Dylan. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, the kids whom watch this crap complain that the film is not exploitative enough and thus pathetically juvenile... God bless America indeed.